小伙伴们大家好，欢迎来到本期的“国外也有段子手”！上周的欧洲足坛精彩看点层出不穷，曼城点胜切尔西夺得联赛杯，凯帕拒绝下场引发争议。欧冠赛场，利物浦与拜仁、巴萨与里昂均互交白卷，马竞主场战胜尤文，曼城则逆转战胜沙尔克04。欧联杯中，切尔西和阿森纳得以晋级下一轮。周末联赛，双红会以平局收场，而阿森纳、皇马、巴萨、米兰等球队则纷纷取胜。好了，话不多说，让我们快来看看歪果仁们的精彩吐槽吧！

凯帕引争议，曼城点球4-3切尔西

Gungerz(曼联球迷)：萨里为啥不让伊瓜因去踢个点球？(Why Sarri didn't let Higuain take one?)

Kashin(荷兰球迷)：萨里让他去了，但是凯帕不同意啊！(Sarri told him to but Kepa wouldn't allow it.)

Hunchovis(未知主队球迷)：这场闹剧在IMDB 上都有9.8的评分了，《权利的游戏》那就是个弟弟！(Pure entertainment. 9.8 on IMDB. Fuck Game of Thrones.)

Alessio321(未知主队球迷)：《权力的游戏》肯定没人看啦，除非最后登上铁王座的是凯帕！(No one would watch GOT again unless Kepa claims the iron throne.)

Envague(曼联球迷)：真遗憾，凯帕痛失执教切尔西夺得首冠的机会啊！(Pity, Kepa Arrizabalaga loses his first trophy as Chelsea manager.)

Borgatronification(阿森纳球迷)：英国已经终止脱欧计划了，因为凯帕不同意！(UK to cancel Brexit as Arrizabalaga refuses to leave.)

Dirgetka(利兹联球迷)：“效力西伯利亚队是我儿时以来的梦想。”——2019年6月，凯帕如是说。("It's always been a lifelong dream of mine to play for Siberia" - Kepa in June 2019.)

LegendaryMemeBo(皇马球迷)：这要是我在玩FM，凯帕就得被下放到U19青年队，在他剩余的合同期限内，都得被安排密集训练成前锋！(If this was FM, I'd put him with the U-19s and put him on an intense training regime to be a striker for the rest of his contract.)

OrangeSyringe(曼城球迷)：看到卡巴列罗要出场真是吓尿我了，毕竟他对我们球员是那么了解，幸好我们的卧底凯帕神勇地站了出来。(I was so scared when Caballero got ready. He probably knows the players very well. Thank God our agent Kepa stood out.)

Unicallthrowaway(未知主队球迷)：凯帕现在可以说是曼城名宿了…(Kepa is a City Legend now.)

Hieillua(未知主队球迷)：想象一下凯帕对西蒙尼或加图索做出这种事…(Imagine if Kepa did this to Simeone or Gatusso.)

carpie101(切尔西球迷)：那估计以后就只能去监狱探望我们的教练了…(Then we could only see our coach in the jail.)

LosTerminators(西班牙球迷)：凯帕不就是来填补库尔图瓦的空缺吗，所以他也就像裤袜一样狗了…(He arrived as a replacement for Courtois, so he decided to be a snake like him.)

Geronimo8(切尔西球迷)：和凯帕相比，我觉得库尔图瓦这人也挺好的…(Courtois becomes  a good man compared with Kepa.)

Zakar1ya(切尔西球迷)：其实点球大战输球我还挺高兴的，这样凯帕就不能拿这个给自己辩解了…(I'm almost glad that we lost that just so that Kepa doesn't feel vindicated for acting in such a way.)

Byhoskyy(AC米兰球迷)：凯帕还需要啥辩解啊，他不都已经当上教练了吗？(He doesn’t need vindication, he is now the manager.)

Harkoncito(皇马球迷)：上半赛季的梗都是曼联带来的，下半赛季又换成切尔西了，好期待赛季结束时又会变成谁的梗呢？(First half of the season, United brought the drama. In the second half it's Chelsea's turn. I wonder what the writers will give us for the finale.)

Tugays_Tabs(布莱克本球迷)：当然是利物浦掉链子啦！(Liverpool fucking it up.)

iNS0MNiA_uK(利物浦球迷)：额，这不是每年都会发生的事吗？(…but that happens every season.)

Wilsec(曼联球迷)：我敢保证要是场上切尔西只有坎特一人，最后的比分还会是0-0！(Pretty sure if Kante was the only Chelsea player on the pitch it would still be 0-0.)

MagicalMesut(阿森纳球迷)：上次不就只有坎特一人么，结果输了0-6…(Right like last time when it was 6-0 in the end?)

多人伤退，曼联0-0利物浦

Username3009(未知主队球迷)：还真是第一次见队医的活动热图范围比球员都要大的…(This is going to be the first instance where the physios have a larger heat map than the players in the match.)

Aidsfart_(阿森纳球迷)：作为这场比赛的观众，我都开始担心自己会不会受伤了…(Terrified that I will get injured watching the game.)

(图)：曼联队医本场比赛热点图

justh0nest(斯里兰卡球迷)：照这样下去，曼联和利物浦只能合伙凑11人来踢剩下的比赛了…(At this rate, United and Liverpool will have to play a combined XI for the next couple of fixtures.)

Modini(曼联球迷)：这场比赛的剧本是乔治-马丁写的吧！(This match was written by George RR Martin.)

(注：乔治-马丁是《权力的游戏》作者)

DatGuy100(英格兰球迷)：去年12月才复出的科斯切尔尼，对阵联赛前6的进球都已经比萨拉赫多了…(Koscielny has more goals against top 6 sides than Salah and he was out until December.)

ZakkTheChimp(伯恩利球迷)：牛逼啊，要知道科斯切尔尼根本没机会面对阿森纳的死亡后防线啊！(Impressive because he didn’t even get to play against that horrible Arsenal defence.)

IanCaesars(利物浦球迷)：万万没想到，这场比赛最具威胁的进攻对决竟然是马蒂普VS斯莫林…(Hard to believe the best attacking option is Matip vs Smalling.)

Wicksy92(雷丁球迷)：上半场就有5人受伤了，奇怪的是斯图里奇竟然不在其中…(5 players injured in the first half and Sturridge isn't one of them. Unreal.)

Ilovetennis247(未知主队球迷)：如果你曾效力于利物浦、曼城或者利兹联其中任何一支球队，你都会成为坚定的反曼联主义者；如果这3支球队你都效力过，那你就是...米尔纳...(If you played for one of Liverpool, Man City, or Leeds, you'd have a rivalry with Man United. If you played for all three, you'd be James Milner.)

姆希塔良进球，阿森纳2-0南安普顿

Idontlikethisstuff(阿森纳球迷)：活久见啊，我们竟然能在上半场进球了，而且还一进进俩？(We're allowed to score in the first half? Twice??? This is new.)

Ixoyefish(阿森纳球迷)：现在还是不敢相信，我们竟然成了桑切斯交易中受益的一方…(still cant believe we got the better part of that sanchez deal.)

Mojambowhatisthescen(阿森纳球迷)：我们是在和自己的后防线踢比赛么…(Are we playing against our own defence?

3200-microwave(未知主队球迷)：和南安普顿的后防线相比，穆斯塔菲都变成内少的级别了…(Southampton's defence makes Mustafi look like Nesta level.)

梅西带帽，巴萨4-2逆转塞维利亚

the_studge(利物浦球迷)：握日哦，这不就是你玩FIFA的时候电脑硬进的那种不讲理的球吗？(Holy fuck, this looks like those unfair goals the FIFA AI just scores against you.)

NBLSS(阿森纳球迷)：呵呵，650球，50个帽子戏法，你用FIFA都玩不出来…(Well, 650th goal. 50th hat trick. This is not even possible on fifa.)

Nibbaheem(未知主队球迷)：跟巴萨踢球不要穿白色球衣，这咋就记不住呢？(Just don't wear white when playing against Barca. Is it so hard to remember?)

Mojambowhatisthescen(阿森纳球迷)：塞维利亚球迷都不知道是为梅西碾碎自己的主队而难过，还是为能见证史上最佳踢球而高兴了…(Sevilla fans don't know whether to cry because Messi keeps murdering them, or be happy they're watching the GOAT do what only he can!)

poop-901(未知主队球迷)：梅西简直比拆弹专家还要冷酷啊！(Messi is cooler than a bomb disposal expert.)

Ph4sor(未知主队球迷)：梅西一定进入吸血鬼名人堂了，因为他总能一血封喉…(He belong in a vampire hall because he always draws blood.)

Griezzy(未知主队球迷)：这几个月皮克在进攻时的盘带和跑位，看起来比苏亚雷斯要靠谱多了…(Pique’s dribbling/run in attack looked better than anything Suarez has done in months.)

myvirginityisstrong(未知主队球迷)：梅西真的太牛逼了，给苏亚雷斯都能送助攻进球…(Messi is so good he can even make Suarez score.)

Adamanthium(巴萨球迷)：看到苏亚雷斯的一脚触球，卢卡库都笑了。(Lukaku watching Suarez with pride with those first touches.)

nexus1011(未知主队球迷)：巴萨的进攻太缺乏想象力了，不就是传给梅西然后就看他进球吗！(Barca's attack  is no imagination at all. Only solution is to pass it to Messi and watch him to score.)

OneWordMan86ya(未知主队球迷)：如果梅西是塞维利亚球员，他们早就赢6-0了…(If Messi was in Sevilla, they would have won 6-0.)

patw420(西雅图球迷)：西甲联赛十来年的总结就是，一支球队有梅西，而其他球队没有。(Story of La Liga in the last decade is one team had Messi, the others didn’t.)

(图)：梅西本场比赛热点图。注：goat/山羊，为greatest of all time/史上最佳的缩写

LarryPeru(巴萨球迷)：对我们而言最佳球员就是梅西，排第二的是受伤的梅西。(The best player for us is Lionel Messi. The second best player is Lionel Messi injured.)

LavenderClouds(西班牙球迷)：看塞维利亚的比赛，就像是在看一场慢镜头的车祸一样…(Watching Sevilla play is like watching a car crash in slow motion.)

裁判引争议，皇马2-1莱万特

FFredde(瑞典球迷)：裁判吹成这个样子，也是要禁赛的吧！(Refs should get suspended for shitty decisions like this.)

met5abel(皇马球迷)：当时人们还笑话我们没有引进C罗的替代者，其实他们不知道，我们已经免签了VAR！(People were laughing at us when we didn't replace Ronaldo. Little did they know we got VAR on a free transfer.)

双中卫进球，马竞2-0尤文图斯

Azaghtooth(皇马球迷)：尤文这下怕是要凉了啊，马竞下回合不得排个10-0-0阵型出来…(Cant see juve coming back from this , atleti will probably play 10-0-0 in the 2nd leg.)

Sidorovich123(马竞球迷)：看来我们要连续淘汰尤文、巴萨、拜仁，然后又在决赛里输给皇马了！(We gonna knock out Juve, Barca, Bayern and loose Finals against real madrid)

PersonFromPlace(阿森纳球迷)：西蒙尼平时总是穿这件黑色外套吗，看起来好像是披上黑衣的守夜人…(Does Diego Simeone always wear a jacket that makes it look like he’s taken up the black at the Night’s Watch?)

Kriskobg(皇马球迷)：看见C罗在尤文踢球，还是会让我感到像看见深爱的前女友在和别的男人逛街…(Seeing Ronaldo on Juventus still feels like seeing an ex you love with another man on the street.)

VolumeIs(未知主队球迷)：就看下场博努奇帽子戏法大逆转了！(Wait for bonucci’s hattrick.)

sass0(AC米兰球迷)：同时效力过国米、尤文和米兰，又同时被这三家球迷都不待见的，恐怕只有博努奇一人了吧…(bonucci is probably the only player that has played for inter, juve, and milan and universally hated by all 3 fanbases.)

屡失良机，巴萨0-0里昂

Askale1(阿森纳球迷)：挺公平的，里昂没上费基尔，巴萨也没上前锋啊！(Fair game. Lyon missed Fekir and Barcelona missed a striker.)

Hare712(位置是主队球迷)：是莫拉塔在戴着苏亚雷斯的面具踢球吧…(It was Morata with a Suarez mask!)

Indorsus (巴萨球迷)：苏亚雷斯的射门，就像是喝醉酒后和想老婆大和谐，却找不到*哔*一样…(Suarez’s shot is like when you are drunk and can't find your wife’s p*ssy.)

Themanyfaceasian(未知主队球迷)：好想念哈维，如果你不知道该怎么和老婆办事，你就把老婆传给他就行了…(I miss Xavi. If I had a wife and didn’t know what to do with her, I’d pass her to Xavi as well.)

affenhirn1(巴萨球迷)：哪怕你用我5岁的弟弟来顶替苏亚雷斯的位置，你也不会发现有啥区别！(You could replace Suarez with my 5 yo brother and you wouldn't notice the difference.)

iskaon(巴萨球迷)：那可未必啊，有那么多机会，你弟弟没准还真能踢进去一个…(no, ur brother would prob score one of those chances.)

idiot_masiello(未知主队球迷)：最令我震惊的是，布斯克茨竟然都有2脚射正…(Most shocking thing about this game was that Busquets had two shots on target.)

Barcaholic(巴萨球迷)：当球队最好的射门机会是布斯克茨完成的时候，你就知道咱踢得是多么膈应了…(You know things are bad when Busi produces your best scoring chance.)

互交白卷，利物浦0-0拜仁慕尼黑

XeroVeil(德国球迷)：尼玛，禁区旁边这堆传球都把我吓老15岁了…(Fuck me this passing around in our box is going to age me 15 years tonight.)

Tcariappa(利物浦球迷)：这比赛对我的伤害太大了，无论是心脏还是菊花…(I seriously don't think this is good for my heart and asshole.)

distantapplause(未知主队球迷)：看这表现，第二回合两队应该都被淘汰才对…(On this evidence both teams will be eliminated in the second leg.)

NoHome8(阿森纳球迷)：好不容易才劝我从不看球的美国朋友来看这场比赛，还说这场比赛是多么有激情，现在他们看我就像傻子一样…(told my american friends who don’t watch football to watch this because it would be very exciting. Now they must think I am an idiot.)

Jack_ADTR(热刺球迷)：阿迪达斯每年都把最好的设计给拜仁了吗，为什么他们的球衣总是这么好看…(I believe adidas always saves their most original design for Bayern. Their kits are awesome every year.)

kirkland3000(帕尔梅拉斯球迷)：要是拉菲尼亚在等待上场的时候再抓几次蛋蛋，恐怕就得被控耍流氓而罚款了…(I feel like if Rafinha touched his nuts any more while waiting to come on, he'd be charged with public indecency.)

斯特林绝杀，曼城3-2沙尔克04

CruschSenpai(沙尔克04球迷)：对不起曼城球迷们，但你们要相信，我们是根本没有钱去收买裁判的…(I'm sorry City fans but it's impossible that we bought the ref. We don't have any fucking money.)

SomersetMackem(未知主队球迷)：想象一下热刺成了唯一一支进欧冠8强的英超球队…(Banter when Spurs are the only english team in the quarters.)

DNorth_(多特蒙德球迷)：这真是几周以来多特球迷最开心的一天了…(The best thing to happen to a Dortmund fan the last couple of weeks.)

kokin33(希洪竞技球迷)：奥塔门迪没法踢第二回合，这对曼城而言是好消息吧…(the good thing for City is Otamendi won't play the 2nd leg.)

ommstarofficial(未知主队球迷)：等到埃德森退役的时候，说不定都能攒足够多的助攻来出一个集锦了…(By the end of his career, Ederson probably could have enough assists to justify an assist compilation.)

mitorandiro(科林蒂安球迷)：我还在等埃德森作为中场的首次亮相呢，简直就是巴西皮尔洛！(Still eagerly waiting for Ederson's midfield debut. Brazilian Pirlo.)

TheRedditSeyed(未知主队球迷)：萨内的任意球弧线，简直比卡戴珊的屁屁还要漂亮啊！(Sane’s free kick is curvier than a Kardashian’s butt.)

Rooonaldooo99(未知主队球迷)：勇敢做自己！但如果你是沙尔克，那还是随便换个别的人生吧…(Always be yourselves, unless you are Schalke, then be literally anyone else.)

逆转晋级，阿森纳3-0鲍里索夫

Dawnsday(阿森纳球迷)：大卫击败了歌利亚，而我们终于战胜了强敌鲍里索夫！(David beat Goliath and finally we're up over the mighty BATE borisov.)

Shinwha(利物浦球迷)：想要在欧联杯击败埃梅里，的确是一种奢求。(You cant beat Emery in Europa League.)

Aidsfart_(阿森纳球迷)：好奇怪，赛后的评论区怎么这么冷清啊？(Genuinely surprised that this thread isn’t bustling with life.)

BludFlairUpFam(未知主队球迷)：那是因为阿森纳没输球…(If Arsenal lost it will be.)

JurijFedorov(西班牙球迷)：穆斯塔菲真是杀手本色啊，这轮欧战的进球比梅西C罗加起来都多！(Mustafi scoring more than Messi and Ronaldo combined this round. He has a killer instinct.)

顺利晋级，切尔西3-0马尔默

NotClayMerritt(切尔西球迷)：5年了，这还是我们第一次在欧战淘汰赛晋级…(We've advanced in a European competition for the first time in almost 5 years.)

MistaChelseaa(切尔西球迷)：在欧联杯我们应该不会再碰见曼城了吧…(We will not face city in this league right?)

博格巴进球，曼联2-0切尔西

Xarxesmysterio(未知主队球迷)：这世界上没有什么事情可以避免，除了死亡、税收和萨里用巴克利换下科瓦契奇。(3 certainties in life: death, taxes and Sarri subbing Kovacic for Barkley.)

HEELinKayfabe(凯尔特人球迷)：上次看到像今天的切尔西这么差的球队，还是上周看切尔西踢球的时候。(Chelsea are the worst team I've seen since the last time I saw Chelsea.)

Gpeirqaured(西班牙球迷)：说实话切尔西也在进步好吧，从半场0-4曼城，到全场仅仅0-2曼联！(Tbf to Chelsea, they have really improved a lot. From being 4-0 down to City in 1st half to being only 2-0 down to United.)

Chokyx(利物浦球迷)：据说若日尼奥就是某秘密黑客组织的领头人呢，毕竟他自带隐身属性…(Rumours are that Jorgeinho is the leader of the hacker group Anonymous, the guy is so invisible…)

Va3V1ctis(未知主队球迷)：若日尼奥简直鬼才啊，既是唯一一个不会防守的意大利人，也是唯一一个不会盘带的巴西人…(Is Jorginho the only Italian that can’t defend and the only Brazilian that can’t dribble? Truly a special talent!)

(注：若日尼奥出生在巴西，后来又获得意大利国籍)

danyul91(曼联球迷)：终于看到一支比我们防守还烂的球队，还是挺高兴的…(It's so nice to finally watch a team with more defensive weaknesses than ours.)

Rudygha(阿森纳球迷)：那我猜你肯定没看过阿森纳的比赛…(guessing you don't watch Arsenal then.)

princepersona1(切尔西球迷)：这些天作为切尔西球迷真是烦透了，一有比赛就要被人笑话…(Damn it's a hard job being a Chelsea supporter these days. Being made fun of after every match day.)

opulent_chaos(阿森纳球迷)：现在你明白我们这么多年来的感受了吧…(Imagine what it feels like to be an arsenal fan for years.)

皮扬特克进球，AC米兰3-0恩波利

CruyffsPlan(巴萨球迷)：要是皮扬特克没进球，那才能算得上大新闻。(It would be a sensation if Piatek doesn’t score in a game.)

fingers-crossed(贝蒂斯球迷)：我从泰国的监狱蹲了5年，刚被放出来，我想问皮扬特克就是现在世界最佳球员吗？(I've been in a Thai prison for the last 5 years, is Piatek the best player in the world?)

G3nzo(AC米兰球迷)：我就不明白，我咋就忽然改变了性取向呢？(Why am I all of a sudden questioning my sexuality?)

ALLGROWWITHLOVE(AC米兰球迷)：要是皮扬特克能让你连续硬3个小时以上，记得去看医生哦！(Call your doctor if Piatek makes your erection last more than 3 hours Milan fans.)

补时11分钟争议绝平，国米3-3佛罗伦萨

Maxinh0(国米球迷)：很明显啊，丹布罗西奥的奶头不就是他第三只手吗，判点球很合理！(apparently D'Ambrosios nipple is his third arm, absolutely a penalty.)

0fiuco(AC米兰球迷)：VAR给个点球还能拖这么长时间啊，那前两天小罗马踢罗马比赛的那个点球应该在有效时间内吧，我还在等着呢！(i'm still waiting for VAR to call the penalty on Romagnoli against Roma, considering the time it takes for VAr to get a decision i'm still positive.)

好了，亲爱的小伙伴们，本期的“国外也有段子手”就为大家播报到这了。让我们拭目以待，来看下期歪果仁们更加精彩的犀利吐槽吧！